Friday, December 24, 2010
"This will probably be my last Christmas." said a distraught Santa Claus, at a hastily called news conference at the North Pole late on Christmas Eve. Santa was reacting to news reports that he had sent cell phone pictures of his genitals to a former elf, (known only as A Elf. But insiders say the elf in question's full name was Amy Elf, a former staffer who had worked in the North Pole promotions department up until 4 months ago.) "I can't get into the specifics of the allegations right now, (He allegedly had also sent numerous sexual text messages to the same ex-elf.) I just want to focus on the holidays." he said. Mrs. Claus was conspicuously absent from the news conference, she was reportedly visiting family in Tampa and couldn't be reached for comment. During the freewheeling and disjointed 10 minute news conference, a visibly testy Santa was at times contrite, defensive, angry and weeped freely, especially when he mentioned how much good he had done in the world and that he could lose it all over some spurious rumors and unfound accusations from the "jackals" of the lamestream North Pole media. He also sobbed repeatedly when he talked about children and how much they meant to him. "Everything I do, I do for them. When I was a kid we didn't have Christmas, obviously, because I wasn't Santa Claus yet, so I know what's it's like to go without... it just breaks my heart." he said in a choked voice. "I don't care what they do to me", he barked, "But when you start fucking with the kids then we've got a problem motherfucker!" a suddenly combative Santa screeched. With that Santa was escorted out of the room, leaving more questions than he answered.