A Little to the Left

Dearly Departed

Michael Jackson died yesterday. So did Farrah Fawcett. I feel bad for her, not just because she just died, but also because she just got bumped off the front page. Bad timing on her part. Not that she was thinking about that on her deathbed. But, if she wasn't somebody was. Her publicist, or her agent maybe?

Michael Jackson died! Again! Shit! Get me Barbara Walters. Barbara, We've still got a deal right? You're still running the 20/20 special right? We get top billing and you get a tissue sample for your collection. That's the deal! You can put it next to John Dillinger's penis and JFK's cranium. A deal is a deal!! Look, I've got the TMZ people on the other line, and they've already got a stool sample, all I have to do is sign and number it. Barbara, Barbara!, I know you are not an unreasonable woman, so here's what I'll do for you, if you run the special as is, with only a brief mention of Michael Jackson at the beginning, I will, as a courtesy to you, based on our long relationship, give you Joan Rivers third face and Boris Yeltsin's liver. No, no it wasn't totally destroyed. I got the last good piece. Thank you Barbara! I knew I could count on you. Just to show there are no hard feelings, I am going to throw in Shirley Temple's foot. No, it's the whole foot. It's my pleasure. Hey, I gotta go, Cronkite's people are on the other line. We're negotiating for his last breath. Barbara while I have you, We're almost done with our new celeb-reality web series called, "You've got cancer!" We get celebrities medical records (They don't know, they think they're coming in for an audition for a new show called, "So, you think you're an asshole".) and then we spring it on them. Here's the twist, some have cancer and some don't, it's a cross between Punk'd and The First 48. We'd love to get on the View. Ned Beatty just walked in, ciao for now.

Death Rattle and Traffic

O.K., so I'm driving down Bardstown Road last saturday afternoon, when all of a sudden the car starts to shake violently. What the hell? Then the front right wheel starts to shake too, (it's localizing the issue, now all the bad energy goes right to that spot), then it goes totally wobbly on me, what the hell is going on? So I stop the car. After one last death rattle the shaking stopped, that's good, but now traffic is starting to back up behind me. So I decide to try and park it, get out of the way at least. As soon as I try to park, the wheel just falls off. Not the tire, the wheel. Losing a, tire would have been more comically inspired. We all could have just watched the tire roll down the street. This was not a lug nut situation. No, the whole wheel assembly just became dislodged. (At that moment all I knew was the front end just dropped off.) I don't know if other people can parallel park on three wheel's, I can't. So I just say, fuck it, this as far as we're going. I put the flashers on, get out and look at the wheel. I can see where the problem is, which is a long way from knowing what the problem is. I get my phone out and call for a tow. Bardstown Road on a very hot and humid saturday afternoon, about 2:30, 3 o'clock is not where you want to be if you lose a wheel. Traffic backs up quick and it didn't take long for people to start giving me the finger, honking at me, and calling me names. By not long, I mean immediately. I'm on the phone with the tow truck operator and people are driving by, (very slowly) yelling at me, Asshole! Idiot!. I'm yelling right back, Fuck you too!, You're the idiot! (If you cut me, do I not bleed?) There was an old man with his wife just sitting behind my car, not even trying to pass, making a lot of hand gestures at me and yelling. They're acting like I just decided to double park on one one the busiest streets in Louisville, in the middle of a saturday just to make some calls.You know what? I've got to make some calls! Who's got time to park? I'll just leave it here. Hey, at least I'm not driving! Go around!

I try to live a spiritual life, I am not a greedy man, I don't take more than my share, I am not looking for what I can get out of every situation. So this experience was instructive at best. Not just the vehemence, but also the alacrity in which everyone came together with the express purpose of hating me. Right now the old guy (who is still parked behind me), is foaming at the mouth and singlehandedly trying to spearhead the movement himself. He is flailing around in his car, gesticulating wildly, like he's Annie Sullivan and I'm Helen Keller refusing to learn the sign for water. There may have some gang signs thrown in there too. I start to gesture back at him, what's the universal gesture for the "car no drivie?". Now we're playing charades and he looks like he is about to have a coronary. The elderly have no better friend than me, and maybe the heat was getting to him, but at some point he's going to have to figure this out on his own, and if this is the way he wants to go, my conscience is clear. So I get back on the phone to let Denyse know what's going on, and try to call our mechanic to figure out where to tow the car.

We had a show later that night, (Louisville Improvisors) and when I walked in a guy, (who'd had a couple of drinks) got very excited and effusive when he saw me, "Thank you for what you are doing for Louisville! Thank you!" "Sure", I said. I mean it, he said, "Thank you for everything you do for Louisville!". "You Bet", I said.

Instructions

Safe Place

I have been terribly remiss in regular postings lately. Between sleeping, eating, West Wing reruns, trips to the bathroom (they add up!) reading (and finishing) My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler, watching parts of three movies, there was a haircut, regular flossing, Krogering (too much), not to mention the usual amount of much needed me time, I haven't been doing a whole lot of writing. I have been doing some writing, just not a lot of finishing. My latest excuse/reason is, I am halfway through my 2-week improv intensive that I teach every summer, which doesn't leave me a lot of brain power or energy to expend on anything else. I am bad. I am weak.

I've got a good group of kid's this year. At least no one pulled a knife on anyone this time. (So far!). It wasn't intended to be a menacing gesture. There wasn't a rumble out on the promenade, it wasn't a knife fight over bad imrov scene choices or a lunch money stick up. It was just a boy trying to impress a girl after class one day. (Chicks dig bad boys!) I wasn't even there, but I got a call at home later asking me about it, every was fine during class, I said. At least he didn't find my gun, I joked. (Too soon?) The situation was straightened out immediately, parents were called, students were warned, and it never happened again. Perhaps the cruelest blow of all, the girl wasn't impressed.