Dearly Departed

Michael Jackson died yesterday. So did Farrah Fawcett. I feel bad for her, not just because she just died, but also because she just got bumped off the front page. Bad timing on her part. Not that she was thinking about that on her deathbed. But, if she wasn't somebody was. Her publicist, or her agent maybe?

Michael Jackson died! Again! Shit! Get me Barbara Walters. Barbara, We've still got a deal right? You're still running the 20/20 special right? We get top billing and you get a tissue sample for your collection. That's the deal! You can put it next to John Dillinger's penis and JFK's cranium. A deal is a deal!! Look, I've got the TMZ people on the other line, and they've already got a stool sample, all I have to do is sign and number it. Barbara, Barbara!, I know you are not an unreasonable woman, so here's what I'll do for you, if you run the special as is, with only a brief mention of Michael Jackson at the beginning, I will, as a courtesy to you, based on our long relationship, give you Joan Rivers third face and Boris Yeltsin's liver. No, no it wasn't totally destroyed. I got the last good piece. Thank you Barbara! I knew I could count on you. Just to show there are no hard feelings, I am going to throw in Shirley Temple's foot. No, it's the whole foot. It's my pleasure. Hey, I gotta go, Cronkite's people are on the other line. We're negotiating for his last breath. Barbara while I have you, We're almost done with our new celeb-reality web series called, "You've got cancer!" We get celebrities medical records (They don't know, they think they're coming in for an audition for a new show called, "So, you think you're an asshole".) and then we spring it on them. Here's the twist, some have cancer and some don't, it's a cross between Punk'd and The First 48. We'd love to get on the View. Ned Beatty just walked in, ciao for now.