Faithfully

WFPK, our local public radio station has a feature called the "Guilty Pleasure", a song you like but that you feel guilty about. All it makes me do is think about is guilt. I feel guilty about a lot of things. I feel guilty I don't write on this blog everyday. I feel guilty about calling this a blog. (It is so much more.) I feel guilty about accidently hitting a girl in the nose and making it bleed in the 4th grade. I feel guilty I can't remember her name. I bet she remembers mine. That doesn't help with the guilt. I feel guilty about things I've said over the years, that I can't take back. Like when I said to a girl in 4th grade (it was a tough year), that I didn't like her and she stopped talking to me. I didn't mean it, but it didn't matter. I can't remember her name either, (it wasn't the same girl), so she goes in the nameless, faceless, abstract, giant ball of guilt pile. Right next to the lies and half-truths, next to the letters unwritten, to the phone calls unreturned, to the anger and resentment, to the said and the unsaid, to the envy and jealousy, but mainly right next to the fact that I don't take nearly enough pleasure in my guilt.

What song captures that?

It's got to be Journey. Their whole catalogue, (after Steve Perry joined the band) is full of humiliating, embarrassing, monumental, outre' and it turns out essential moments of emotion, that even if, I ever was man enough to feel that way, (admittedly a very big if), I would certainly never have the guts to express it publicly. (Separate ways indeed.) Steve Perry RULES!

"Yeah, I'd like to hear "Faithfully" by Journey. This is dedicated to the me I wish I was. Don't stop Believin'!".

The shame washes over me as I crank up the volume.